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I have decided that when I write, I need ultimate peace. As in, no people around. I have tried writing in public places….that is definitely an uncomfortable position for me to be in. I have tried writing when family is around in the same room…again, I cannot stand it. I have tried writing when just my mom is in the office using her computer. Again, no can do.
So, for me, I have to have no on at all in the same room, or where they can see me.
It is not a problem of people talking or noise. That doesn’t seem to bother me, unless they are talking directly to me. It is the mere presence of others in the same room.
I think the reason is I feel I am baring a part of myself when I write, and that puts me in a very vulnerable position.
I used to think it was because I don’t want people reading over my shoulder…and that is a part of it, but more, it is the fact that I leave myself open. I am not as aware of what is going on around me when I write.
I may not be in any situation where I have to watch my back for attacks, but from previous lives, I remember the feeling very much, and so I still have the habit of being on guard. And being very bad at directions, makes that feeling all the more uncomfortable. Especially when I cannot watch the door, because others take the chair that I want.
One of the things that I insisted on when we made the office, was that my desk would be next to the door, facing it. The other spot that was going to be available, that I insisted mom take, was across from the door with her back to it. There is no way I could have worked like that. If I cannot see you, and you sneak up on me, I go into sheer panic…sometimes I go into fight mode. Which is why I also did not let mom put her desk across from mine. Because then I would have been vulnerable again.
So…When I say that I cannot write because of company, it is because I refuse to let myself be put into that vulnerable position. Even when the company is my brothers and their families or other family.
Which is also one of the few things that I am having to get used to with grandma living with us now. Though, she normally does not come into the office, something for which I am grateful LOL…but still, it is another person around when I write.
See, it really does affect how I write, and sometimes even my writing, because with others in the house, my attention is split between where they are, and what is going on in my mind. And it really puts me at odds, because I cannot focus on the inner thoughts for writing and the outer thoughts of monitoring where the people are in the house.
I try not to do it. I try not to let it bother me…but after all this time, I am admitting defeat…well, not defeat, but admitting what is not working for me.
Which is why, when I know that everybody will be gone, that I try to do writing more so than any other time LOL.
I would prefer to be writing right now, but I have to clean. My dad’s sister, Gayle is here. Bryan, Jaime, Taylor and Shaye are going to be here anytime today, Gayle’s son Michael will be here tomorrow, with his wife and baby I think…and Brad, Marline and Tyler may be coming Sunday. We are getting the rest of Grandma’s stuff over here today, which is why all the company.
I have had other writers advise me to carry a recorder with me and record my thoughts for writing…but then I have the same feeling of vulnerability, mixed with hating the sound of my own voice, plus the fact when I a concentrating or rushing or divided (etc.), I start stuttering, which raises all the other feelings ten-fold. (part of the reason why even though I really really want to, and already have the stuff to do so, that I haven’t actually taken any steps to learn Greek and Irish yet.)
So, back to cleaning I go. I can always keep my fingers crossed for later in the day of getting something done.
