Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Words That Bug Me….will return next week

As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, I had to put my cat to sleep today. I knew it was going to be hard. I was not even close. I was up all night with him. He did not want to let go. He fought till the end. Gods the house seems empty without him, even with 6 dogs and 2 other cats and a bird…he was the love of this house. I crashed for a couple of hours when I got home, but…When he did let go, I saw him with his brother, they ran and chased each other, then settled down to groom each other. They are together again. they are happy. They are waiting for me now. But, still…They were my babies. They are my babies. Tonight is going to be the hardest. It has been 11 years since I have been without one or the other. I don’t know how I will do. Yes, I have Mo and I have Antiphone…but. There is that ‘But’. Anyway, I will be back on schedule with Words that Bug Me next week as usual. I would have done it tomorrow, but I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and that will wipe me out for the day there, then I will have company all weekend. So, yeah. Next week LOL. For now, I go nurse my migraine and sit with my family and comfort each other.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

trying to prepare for tomorrow…

…but not being too successful.

Our cat, Clarence has been sick for some time.

We thought we were going to lose him in November. But we managed to save him. not even the vet thought we were going to.

Again, we thought we were going to lose him in March, but we managed to save him.

But, this time….there is no hope.

He is wasting away. the vet can’t find anything wrong. he is eating, and eating, and eating. when I say he is eating, I mean, he is eating almost a pound of wet cat food a day, plus as much dry cat food as he wants, plus human food, at meal times, and whenever he catches us in the kitchen. He has gone from 17 pounds, down to 6 pounds. he is nothing but skin and bones, literally. there is no muscle mass on him at all. You touch him and he cries out in pain.

And yet…..and yet.

I can’t bare to do this.

I don’t want to do this.

I know it needs to be done. he is suffering. I know he is. He is ready to go. I know he is.

and yet. and yet.

I am selfish. I can’t bare being without him. I had him and his brother for so long. I lost his brother, Orion 2 years ago, November. That devastated me. I can’t lose Clarence too. They are my children. I have other animals. I have another cat. I will get another cat. But Clarence. Orion. They are my heart. my soul.

Clarence is such a happy baby.

Even with all of the pain. even with constantly being hungry. He still purrs…and it is not a pain purr, it is a happy, I am loved purr. You can tell the difference. He talks. He kisses. He is such a happy baby. He will be down to the very last minute.

Which is tomorrow morning at 9.

I can’t do this.

I have to do this. Dad doesn’t want to do this. He keeps trying to talk me out of this. But. Looking at Clarence. He can’t go on like this any more. He is suffering. It is not fair to him for us to be so selfish.

Why? Why do animals have to have such a short life? why do they have to be so loving? so dependant on us? so…so everything…when humans have to live so long and, generally, suffer so much? Why do we have to get so attached to these little fur-balls and watch them suffer and eventually leave us when we do not want them to?

I don’t want to do this. but I have to.

Eleven years. Eleven short years. Orion was with us 9. These two cats are the longest lived I have ever had, but, it still seems too fast. They took on too much of my own illness. they shouldn’t have. they did it for me. why? why? they could have lived much longer. They both died having pancreas problems…echoing my own diabetes. they should never have taken on my own illnesses. My babies. the only babies I will ever have. I cannot have children. I will have other animals, but I will never have other “babies”.

Gotta get through today and tomorrow. Gotta find a way. Gotta go distract myself. This is not fair. If ever a time is shown that life is nothing but a cruel joke, is when someone you love is taken from you….be it a family member, or an animal.

Tomorrow is coming much too fast….

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