people around while writing

I have decided that when I write, I need ultimate peace. As in, no people around. I have tried writing in public places….that is definitely an uncomfortable position for me to be in. I have tried writing when family is around in the same room…again, I cannot stand it. I have tried writing when just my mom is in the office using her computer. Again, no can do.

So, for me, I have to have no on at all in the same room, or where they can see me.

It is not a problem of people talking or noise. That doesn’t seem to bother me, unless they are talking directly to me. It is the mere presence of others in the same room.

I think the reason is I feel I am baring a part of myself when I write, and that puts me in a very vulnerable position.

I used to think it was because I don’t want people reading over my shoulder…and that is a part of it, but more, it is the fact that I leave myself open. I am not as aware of what is going on around me when I write.

I may not be in any situation where I have to watch my back for attacks, but from previous lives, I remember the feeling very much, and so I still have the habit of being on guard. And being very bad at directions, makes that feeling all the more uncomfortable. Especially when I cannot watch the door, because others take the chair that I want.

One of the things that I insisted on when we made the office, was that my desk would be next to the door, facing it. The other spot that was going to be available, that I insisted mom take, was across from the door with her back to it. There is no way I could have worked like that. If I cannot see you, and you sneak up on me, I go into sheer panic…sometimes I go into fight mode. Which is why I also did not let mom put her desk across from mine. Because then I would have been vulnerable again.

So…When I say that I cannot write because of company, it is because I refuse to let myself be put into that vulnerable position. Even when the company is my brothers and their families or other family.

Which is also one of the few things that I am having to get used to with grandma living with us now. Though, she normally does not come into the office, something for which I am grateful LOL…but still, it is another person around when I write.

See, it really does affect how I write, and sometimes even my writing, because with others in the house, my attention is split between where they are, and what is going on in my mind. And it really puts me at odds, because I cannot focus on the inner thoughts for writing and the outer thoughts of monitoring where the people are in the house.

I try not to do it. I try not to let it bother me…but after all this time, I am admitting defeat…well, not defeat, but admitting what is not working for me.

Which is why, when I know that everybody will be gone, that I try to do writing more so than any other time LOL.

I would prefer to be writing right now, but I have to clean. My dad’s sister, Gayle is here. Bryan, Jaime, Taylor and Shaye are going to be here anytime today, Gayle’s son Michael will be here tomorrow, with his wife and baby I think…and Brad, Marline and Tyler may be coming Sunday. We are getting the rest of Grandma’s stuff over here today, which is why all the company.

I have had other writers advise me to carry a recorder with me and record my thoughts for writing…but then I have the same feeling of vulnerability, mixed with hating the sound of my own voice, plus the fact when I a concentrating or rushing or divided (etc.), I start stuttering, which raises all the other feelings ten-fold. (part of the reason why even though I really really want to, and already have the stuff to do so, that I haven’t actually taken any steps to learn Greek and Irish yet.)

So, back to cleaning I go. I can always keep my fingers crossed for later in the day of getting something done.

You know it is bad when…

…Your cat learns how to turn on your alarm and/or your radio!

My cat has figured out how to do such things…it doesn’t help that my iHome alarm clock has buttons to push instead of slide. But you have to push certain buttons to get things to work, and he has figured that out.

But, not only has he figured out how to turn them on, he has figured out how to turn the radio up. In order to turn it up, you have to turn a dial that is flush with the case. So he has figured out how to do that. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he turns it so it is blasting, and of course, because it is right next to my head….you get the picture LOL.

I was having a pretty interesting dream when I was woke this morning.

I had won some sort of contest, and the prize for this contest was to spend a week with Chuck Norris and he would teach you how to survive by your senses. I spent the whole week blindfolded, learning how to fight and live without sight. There was another person there who won the same prize, and we were having a competition to see who could do the best. And no, I wasn’t winning every challenge LOL.

I was woke just as I was having to do the challenge of feeding certain animals without falling into a rattle snake pit, or a scorpion pit. The longer you took, the more unstable the path you had to take. Also, you couldn’t show any sign of fear, no extra sweat, no fast heartbeat…nothing, otherwise a large cat from Asia would attack you.

I didn’t get to do the challenge, because that was when I was woke by mom. I wonder how I would have done…. LOL

Words That Bug Me…Bucket List

Again, this weeks word is more of a phrase. Bucket List.

Thanks to the movie by the same name, everything is Bucket List.

What used to be friend questionnaires is now always entitled bucket list. Everywhere you turn, you are being asked about your bucket list.

It is bucket list this and bucket list that.

Which would be fine if it was actually used in the right context.

Think about it. Bucket List…kicking the bucket…what do you want to do before you kick the bucket…create a list…hence, bucket list.

But is it used that way most of the time? oh no. Like i mentioned earlier, every friend questionnaire has turned into a bucket list, which is completely opposite of what a bucket list is. usually.

the friend questionnaires are questions about what you have done to get more information about you. occasionally there will be a question in there of what you want to do for certain things, or where you would like to go. but for the most part, it is questions about what you have already done.

That, my friends, is not a bucket list. Finding out what kind of soda I like is not a bucket list. Finding out my nicknames is not a bucket list.

A bucket list is not finding out if you have been skinny dipping. it is finding out if you want to go skinny dipping. It is not finding out if you have been to such-and-such place. it is finding out where you want to go.

It is finding out what you would do if you had X amount of time left. It is finding out your desires.

I wouldn’t mind “bucket list” if it was used properly. but, like most things, we have distorted what could be a good thing…getting your priorities right to do what you want before you die, to using it for whatever list you want to create. But because it is distorted, it made it to this list.

For the record, part of my bucket list is:

traveling to Greece, Egypt, Scotland, China and most importantly, Ireland. It is being with my twin-soul sister until the end.

That is pretty much it. I have very few things that I want to do that I haven’t already done…and that list itself is very short. I am a very simple person. I do not need lots of things (just books, books and more books with some movies thrown in LOL). I don’t need to do a lot of things to make me happy. So, my personal bucket list is very short and very simple.

let’s go back to “getting to know you” questionnaires being separate from bucket list. let’s put them to their proper and correct use once more. ;-)

Were they drunk?

Ok, so driving two cities over to go to the dentist this morning. They are widening US-40 between the two of them, making it into 4 lanes. Well, I want to know, who they hired to paint the temporary yellow lines, and how much they were paid. Cause, I will redo it for them and make them actually straight! ROFL. gods it looks like whoever painted them were flat-out drunk. the lines are very wavy and the double yellow lines are not anywhere near uniform distance apart. It looks like somebody got drunk with a paint brush strapped to them and were walking…a few places like they backtracked and rewalked. It was so funny. I wish I could describe fully the look of it. Thank the gods it is not the permanent lines…and if it is, ohhhh boy LOL.

short story

I woke early this morning, with a story idea running rancid in my mind. I don’t know if it will be a short story, or what, but it is turning out to be interesting. A little different from what I usually do. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. I was planning on taking today off from writing. I have several things I need to do today outside of the office, but my mind has different ideas. So, I am up early. I have already put in just over an hours worth of work. It is time to go grab some breakfast, and then see if I can do a little more writing before I start the other things that need to be done today. I must say, I am having fun writing this piece though. I hope it turns into something that I can do something with, instead of just sitting. ;-) We will see. LOL. We will see.