Catch up time :)

So much has changed, I am not even sure I know where to start. They say that the beginning is a good place to start. I don’t even remember who said that, and I am too lazy right now to look it up…but when you think about it, do we even truly know where the actual beginning is? because isn’t life really a sequence of beginnings? I mean, think about it. We are constantly ending little things and big things only to begin new things…and all at different times, so there is never a true sense of “this is the beginning of it all!”

Well…except when we are born. but…but isn’t even a true beginning, because before that, we are conceived, and there are a series of endings and beginnings while we are in the womb, and even before we are conceived there are a series of endings and beginnings, depending on your spiritual beliefs.

So…

Where does it all truly end???

Where does it all truly begin??

And boy did I go of on a tangent! ROFLMAO

ok. time to reel myself back in. Back to my original thought here…what was it…where did it go? Oh yes…my own series of endings and beginnings.

I guess I will touch on the key points. some of them briefly, some I will expound on.

~There was mom’s passing.

~My diabetes has decided to throw a monkey wrench into the works again, as has several other health factors…my stomach is worsening, I need to get back to the doctor and force him to make a decision. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say it is not working…figuratively and literally. and now my neuropathy in my legs are worsening and I am having possible spinal problems…I am seeing a specialist on Tuesday to have tests run to give more answers about that. I am definitely going to have to start walking with a cane though…or at least keeping one by my side for my unstable days—bodily unstable. There’s no hope for my mental unstableness! *snicker* So, my health is *not* behaving in the slightest.

~My uncle was just diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

~My grandma is making daily comments, thanks to her Alzheimer's, that I am telling her that I want her out of the house and that I wish she were dead…which, of course is no where near true…gotta love Alzheimer’s! **eye-roll* Actually, she rotates between me and dad. LOL I had to laugh at tonight’s comment…she told dad…in reference to me “For someone who has gone to college, she sure is a dunce.” gee. thanks! ;) LOL.

~My oldest brother had surgery on both knees.

~And my niece’s hamster died, and so did the replacement…which she named after the original one.

All of that is the nasty side that has been going on since the first of the year. literally. all of that has erupted only since the first of the year…actually, only since mom died, has it started, Jan 26th. So, not even a month! (except one of my brothers surgeries was at the first of the year, so before her passing.)

But, here is the positive things that have been going on.

~My writing is finally coming back on board…I have been mostly doing some intensive research…which I still have lots to do for future sections, but have the current areas research done. but the actual writing was not working out…but it is finally coming back on board.

~My brother and his fiancée married just before mom died so she could see them get married and they are doing fantastic.

~My new sister-in-law’s oldest son got engaged shortly afterward

~My oldest niece is in a musical play, her first, and she has a solo part! :D she is tied as one of my biggest fans and is the biggest proponent of my books being turned into movies…just so she can act in the lead part ;)

~And I started college at the University of Phoenix in their Bachelor of Science in Psychology. I want to be able to get into my character’s heads deeper mwaaahaaaahaaahaaa –at least that is one reason for it *snicker* The cool thing is, my academic’s representative thinks we will be able to substitute some of my gen classes with some other classes that I want to take…not all of them, of course, but some of them. such as ancient history classes, and creative writing classes, and possibly philosophy classes. so that would be sweet!

You can’t tell I am excited about college, can you? I start on Tuesday. I have been taking some workshops in the meantime. I applied on the tenth and officially became a student last week and have taken two workshops since then. LOL.

That is what has been going on though. You have pretty much been caught up.

I am still plugging away on my various writing projects…going to get some work done on Mu Mysteries next week and hopefully have a new chapter up for you for next month, and have a sample chapter for Into the Forest up for you for the first of the month as well, as well as a Ancient Greek Time line that I am putting up on the website. I will also be starting back in on twitter better (was going to start better on that the last few days, but got sidetracked from it again. shame on me.) but will be going with Rita and Missy and Dominick again. they have been bugging me that they want back on Twitter ;) My muse is getting strong once again.

For tonight, I have a little bit of work to do and some pre-reading for my class on Tuesday, and then I am heading to bed. Besides, this is long enough! *Grin* Laters!

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

It has been a long while since I have done a blog, and I will do one Saturday, I promise, but in the meantime, I was talking with my sister-in-law on the phone yesterday and we were joking around about my brother having to do everything because nobody wanted to do it, especially us, and it reminded me about this joke… and I so I wanted to share it with you, because I always got a kick out of it, and it is so apropos in our society… ;)

 

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

     There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

can’t get motivated

it has been a while since my last blog. between mom taking a turn for the worse and then her passing, I haven’t had the gumption to want to blog. or do much of anything. true, she only passed on the 26th of last month…so it has only been 12 days…but the days have passed by so fast that on one hand it seems like much longer. yet I have not given myself a chance to really grieve for her. I have had to be strong for everyone else and take care of all lot of the after-details…and both of my brothers and their families have been here with dad and I, that I have not let myself sit down long enough to let myself let it sit in. Add to the fact that I had been preparing myself for it for a long time…and being able to commune with spirits to an extent, that I can see and talk with her nightly and “go” places with her astrally…in a lot of ways, she is still here…but she isn’t. and when I have bouts like today (one brother and sister-in-law just went home for the week) I am at a loss to do anything, then I don’t know what to do. I have several projects to work on…I am working on piecing together Ancient Greek timelines form about 5 different sources to make one extensive (or more extensive than any of them alone…) timeline. I have some jokes to go over for Hades and Ares to be cracking together…some may say they are morbid, and they are, but given who the gods are, they need to be morbid…they are dead baby jokes. come on! it is Hades and Ares! you were expecting fluffy bunny and horsey jokes? LOL. nope. not quite. though…they will be cracking some of those. gotta get them at some odd moments *wink wink* but, do you think I can get motivated to do any of that? not really. I can do a little here or there, but my heart isn’t really in it. What I need to do is to dive into some battle scenes in The Prank and get some of this emotion out of me so I can function better. perhaps I will try that here in a few. maybe that will work. hopefully. I know mom would not want me to be this way. I do know that some people do not understand why I am not showing much sad emotion, and why I am laughing so soon (even just a couple days after)…but that is how I deal with sadness and grief. I put a happy face on and never ever…except when it slips…let others see how much I really am hurting. I do my grieving alone. except in writing. I can express it in writing. say out here. or in my books. but in person? nope. crying? hardly never. this may sound bad, but I trained myself to *not* cry. I used to cry. a lot. but I trained myself not to. not because I am ashamed of it. not anything like that. but with all of the aches and pains that I go through on a daily basis, crying physically hurts me, so I refuse to let myself cry, I refuse to let myself add to that pain. so I express my sadness, my pain, my grief in other ways. like my writing. like my words. I am reading Dracula right now, and Stoker expressed it exactly through Van Helsing exactly what I go through when Van Helsing was talking to Seward as they boarded the train… let me find the passage again…hmmm where was it. my fault for not marking it… ah! here it is!

“Ah, you don’t comprehend, friend John. DO not think that I am not sad, though I laugh. See, I have cried even when the laugh did choke me. But no more think that I am all sorry when I cry., for with you that laughter who knock at your doo and say ‘may I come in?’ is not the true laughter. No! he is a king, and he come when and how he like. He ask no person: he choose no time of suitability. he say, ‘I am here.”

…

“…And yet I can laugh at her very grave—laugh when the clay form the spade of the sexton drop upon her coffin and say. ‘Thud! thud!’ to my heart…”

…

“…Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of mysteries, and woes, and troubles; and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play. Bleeding hearts, and dry bones of the churchyard, and tears that burn as they fall—all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him. And friend John, that he is good to come, and kind. Ah, we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways. They brace us up, until perhaps the strain becomes to great, and we break. But King Laugh, he come like the sunshine, and he ease off the strain again; and we bear  to go on with our labour, what it may be.”

…

“Friend John, forgive me if I pain. I showed not my feeling to others when it would wound, but only to you, my old friend, whom I can trust. If you could have looked into my very heart then when I want to laugh; if you could have done so when the laugh arrived; if you could do so now, when King Laugh have pack up his crown and all that is to him—for he go far, far away from me, and for a long, long time—maybe you would perhaps pity me the most of all.”

This pretty much describes what goes through my mind, heart and soul when I am sad. when I grieve. a lot of people don’t understand it, and I have never been able to express it. I have never even seen it expressed half-so-well as this. Believe me. Most everyone that I know has made it pretty well known without saying it full-out that I am not welcome at funerals because I do laugh. I do joke. I do tell stories of how the deceased was. I don’t outwardly cry. I don’t outwardly mourn. and it makes people very uncomfortable. And mom was the same way to a certain extent. the only difference was, she was a crier. but not because of the deceased. she was a crier over everything. LOL. she cried at everything. literally. this is why she made certain that we would not have a funeral, or even a viewing for her. She wanted a wake at a later point when the grief for her wasn’t as strong. she wanted happy and memories. not sadness. and our family is more than willing to give it to her.

the only problem is…I thought I would be able to immerse myself in my many sundried projects. it is not turning out that way. of course, we have had lots of company…I am not complaining about that, mind you. I love seeing my brothers and family…but it doesn’t help with my concentration LOL.

after I finish this, we will see if I can get into one of my projects, or into the actual writing. I need it. especially a battle scene. I can even see a funny scene…laughter is good. but I somehow don’t see me working on any love scenes. those are tricky for me at any given moment as is. it is a new territory for me, so still very tricky. not something to attempt when in a darker place. I don’t think…

I think the hardest part of not knowing what to start with…of having so much to do, that I can’t get motivated…beyond the grief factor, is the fact that mom used to help past these hurdles…just by being here to talk to. I would have so much to do, my to-do list would be so long that I would get overwhelmed and we would talk and the talking would get me past the panic and anxiety (which is the underlying factor) and then I would be able to chose something to work on. And my partner is not here now. not physically. and while she is here in spirit…it is not quite the same. I can still talk to her, and I can still hear and feel her answers…but it is not the same. I can’t go hug her when it gets really bad.

It is to the point that I am tempted to go pull out everything in my closet and go climb in it. I have not needed the comfort of my closet for quite some time…and it is getting almost to that point again. *sigh*